Search For the Perfect Cast
by Lady Murray
Summary: AU AU AU! Orlando Bloom as Edward? Rachel McAdams as Bella? Dennis Quaid as Charlie? No way! Stephenie Meyer interveiws people OTHER THEN THEM to be the characters in the new Twiligt movie. First up, Edward!


**Disclaimer: **_**Stephenie Meyer walks up to a depressed me. **_**"What's wrong Sophia?"**

_**I look up with tears in my eyes. **_**"You own Twilight and everything, and what do I own, NOTHING!"**

_**Stephenie laughs. **_**"That's okay dear. At least you still own your childhood innocence."**

_**She walks away and I am still am crying. **_**"Like that's possible in today's society!"**

**I've seen so many websites that have ridiculous suggestions for actors to be in the Twilight movie, I've taken the liberty to write this, in honor of those delusional people that think Orlando Bloom should be Edward and Rachel McAdams as Bella.**

The lights are up. Everyone in the crowd is going wild. There in the middle of the stage is the one and only, our host, Stephenie Meyer!

"Hello everyone! I'm Stephenie Meyer, and welcome to…(crowd says it with her) SEARCH FOR THE PERFECT CAST! (Applause) Settle down now, settle down. Today, we have a special treat for you all. We have searched Hollywood from top to bottom, looking for the perfect actors and actresses' to play you favorite characters in the movie, Twilight!"

"Today, we have 3 actors that have interests in being Edward! (The crowd goes wild. Teenage girls are shrieking and fainting all over the place. It takes a while before the noise in below a dull roar.) Please put you hands together for Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, and Arnold Schwarzenegger!" (The crowd begins to swoon and do catcalls.)

They all walked in and sit down. They all have different postures and facial expressions. Brad Pitt had shades on. He leaned back in his chair, like a supermodel. Tom Cruise couldn't sit down. He was squirming in his chair like a puppy. Arnold was trying to flex his muscles as much as possible as he sat in his chair. All the men were looking their best.

Stephenie sat down in her big comfy chair and turned to the actors. "Welcome gentlemen. I'm glad you came today."

"Ya, sure," grunted Arnold.

Brad just nodded and stared off into space in a sexy sort of way. (Queue fainting.)

"Hi,-it's-a-pleasure-to-be-here," Tom started to say quickly. "I've-been-meaning-to-come-on-TV-again-and-then-what-do-you-know?-I'm-here." He was a jumpy as a kid on sugar.

Stephenie ignored Tom and asked Brad, "Mr. Pitt, how did you find out about Twilight and Edward?"

Brad just looked at Stephenie as if she was a small child. "My agent told me about it. To tell you the truth, I've never heard of Twilight or this Edward character before, but it can't be that hard, right?"

Stephenie looked horrified. "Are you trying to tell me that you don't know that Edward in a 110-year-old vampire, and that he reads minds and falls in love with a normal human girl?"

"He's a vampire!" Brad asked, stunned. "I didn't sign-up for this! Where's my agent?"

Stephenie looked smug as she turned to Arnold. "Mr. Schwarzenegger, if you got the part of Edward, how would you portray him in the film?"

"Vell, I vill be az macho az pozzible," he said in that angry accent he has. "He vill be lifting vieghts and skamming chicks the 'ole time."

Stephenie seemed confused and outrages at the same time. "Doesn't anybody know anything about Twilight?!"

Arnold snorted. "Of course I do, but thatz how I portray everyone in any movie I am in."

Stephenie was getting as frustrated as a bee stuck in honey. She turned half-heartedly to Tom and asked sadly, "Please tell me you know about Twilight?"

Tom probably wasn't paying attention during the questioning, because he quickly put the Gameboy away and jumped up out of his seat gleefully and said in a very peppy voice, "Of course I know about Twilight! I've read it so many times! My favorite part is when Bella is getting chased by the rapists in Port Angeles." Tome paused and then started jumping on a couch, laughing like a maniac. Stephenie tried to calm the insane actor down as he laughed uncontrollably.

"Mr. Cruise, what's so funny?" She had to yell over the giggling.

"It's just-HA HA- that that part- HA HA- is so FUNNY!!!" HE jumped off the couch and started rolling on the floor.

"You think the part when Bella is almost raped in funny?" Stephenie asked, confused.

Tom squealed through his laughter, "YES!"

Stephenie stared blankly at the three actor that she thought would be her lead. One was on his phone, another was still flexing, and another was still rolling on the ground, crying from laughing so hard.

Stephenie sighed and turned back to the audience, who had been in a zombie state the past 15 minutes. "Well, that was the present Edward candidates! (Hesitant applause) Don't worry though! We will be interviewing other actors to play different characters, thank god." (Crowd gets more confident. The teenage girls were still drooling over Brad Pitt.)

"Next week, it's the Bella candidates! )Crowd goes wild. The few guys in the crowd take their shirts off and start swinging them above there heads.) But before I go, remember this. Never trust you agent, protein shakes (COUGH steroids COUGH) are scary, and NEVER PULL A TOM CRUISE ON NATIONAL TELEVISON! You know what I mean. Thank you, and good night!"

"Wait," Tom Cruise screamed. "I would just like to take this moment to tell you about the benefits of converting to Scientology!"

The crowd screams in horror, "NOOOOOOO!!!!"

**Please review! I don't know if I want to continue this. I have a lot on my plate as it is! Curse you Homecoming Week!**

**Murray**


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